||October 21st, 2017 Saturday|| The other day I had a nightmare again. I can't remember most of it now, just the ending part. I was getting in a bath that reminded me of my great-grandmother's bathroom in the dream but didn't really look like hers in RL beyond the shower curtain. At first, I was one of the characters in a story I wrote and that character was a small child. The character's father came in to help give me/the child a bath. Nothing felt off about this. It was more a sentimental thing, until I suddenly shifted to being mostly myself (though I past version of myself) standing naked in the bath water and the child's father turned into my father standing in the doorway with a creepy grin on his face and completely naked. I tried to cover myself, but it felt like he could see right through me. I pulled the shower curtain in front of me while he walked over to me, but the curtain was semi-transparent. I started to kind of pull into myself and move against the wall, trying to sink down into the water while he was about to pull the curtains open. Then I woke up. That's the second nightmare I've had recently where I've been somewhere naked where I can't shield myself as a younger version of myself while my father is also naked, staring at me, and grinning while trying to get closer to me. When I woke up, I remembered some memories from being a little kid. Again, not really thinks that I couldn't remember before but they were just from so long ago, I haven't thought about them in ages. I used to take baths and showers at my great-grandmother's house a lot as a little kid, usually mostly unsupervised. A couple of times my brother would take a shower with me too. I'd bring in little things to play with in the water and occasionally if I was in there a while, my great-grandmother would come in and check on me and tell me I should get out soon. I'd forgotten I even took showers and baths over there a lot. That was probably in times when my mom would just dump me there for hours while she went who the hell knows where. I was happy to be in the shower then, unlike at home when I was really little and had to share the shower with my mom and dad. We didn't have a bathtub in that first house, so it was only showers and my dad required everyone to shower at once in that teeny tiny shower. The next day, I remembered another memory. It was about a time I was taking bath with my dad for some reason. I remember him instructing me to be careful about not sitting on his junk while he told me to come over and sit between his legs and lean backwards against him in the bath. The position is already inappropriate but there's no reason I should have been bathing with my father at that age. We didn't have a bathtub in the first house. The second house was the first time we had a tub, but we didn't have a shower in that one. This puts me at around five years old the youngest in the memory. I did not bathe with my parents at that age normally. Typically, I bathed alone or with my brother because my mom was usually too lazy to bathe him when he was little. Again, this isn't something I just could never recall before...but it's like I just forgot about it happening. What the hell was that about? Why did he want me to be in a position like that and why was he bathing with me then when I normally bathed alone by that age? I'm not even sure I was five then. I may have been older. I don't think this happened the last year and half we were there, so that would make me roughly 5-7 years old. My mom was not home when this happened, I am positive. This happened in the middle of the day and both my mom and my brother were not home. We usually all bathed in the evening or at night. It was that way most of my childhood. The only times I'd bath earlier than that as a kid were at my great-grandmother's house or when I was an older teen. I can't remember anything really weird happening, beyond the weirdness of it in general, but I can't really remember what happened after that point either. That's as far as what I got back went to. Sigh. Again, another memory that seems to cut out at the most relevant point. Then I had another nightmare. For once, my dream was in first person. I've mentioned before all my dreams are in third person/watching "from above" as many of my memories are. A few dreams will be in first person though, and I've never had one that wasn't a nightmare when this was the case. I was looking down at the earth turning toward me. Before me was a huge mountain, so large it took up a good chunk of the earth. As the earth turned toward me, I saw that it was actually a giant crater, and disturbingly deep. I was afraid of how deep it was. I didn't want to see down the hole. I didn't want to know. I wanted to wake up. But I said to myself, no, I must see it. I can't run away from this. The world kept spinning and more of the crater came into view. The more I saw, the more I realized it was so much bigger than I thought. It was bigger than I could even fathom and I hadn't seen how big around the hole was much less how deep it was. I got more terrified as more of it came into view. Then I could see it, how large the hole was and I saw it was impossible to see the bottom of the hole. I could feel it though. Thousands and thousands of feet deep when I previously thought it would only be a hundred feet or so. And at the bottom, a monster. I couldn't see the monster, but I could feel its presence, growling and wanting to hurt me. I was afraid of that hole. But I knew, one day, I needed to go down there to the deepest depths. Just before the dream ended, the crater faded and I saw my younger self alone in my bedroom at night, standing in the dark in that first house by the toy box and someone opened a door. Then I woke up. I'd say I in part owe that imagery to NitW, but this is also similar to some other dreams. Over the last year, mountains and climbing up mountains and across mountains has shown up a lot. Now, I'm above it, and it's not a mountain at all. It's a massive crater with a hole in the center. I've reached the skies to see everything. Now I have to dig down deep into the darkest depths of myself. When I was a teenager, I once had a nightmare about being in a raging store on an ocean in the darkest of nights desperately trying get away from a maelstrom pulling me closer. Much like this dream, I stopped running away and decided to see the depths of that darkness. I allowed myself to be pulled into that big, swirling black hole and found myself upside down in this vortex of darkness, looking down at an even bigger maelstrom in a deeper, darker sea in a heavier storm. The maelstrom was so big it created a massive hole of darkness beyond what I could comprehend. I couldn't drop myself into that darkness. I was too afraid. I expected after I fell through the first "darkness" I'd reach the end, but only found there was something worse lurking even deeper. I know I am afraid, but this time, I'll see what lies at the depths, no matter how deep the darkness.