||May 19th, 2017 Friday|| Earlier, while on a nature walk with my wife, something outside (I'm not sure if it was one specific thing or a combination of things around me) made me suddenly remember this school building. I'm pretty sure it exists, but I have no idea where it is or if I went to it. I can feel this general location about it, like what things were around it, but I have no idea where those things are either. Later, I tried thinking about where that might be. It's clearly not the third elementary school, and definitely not anything after that point in time. This is something from a very long time ago. It's not cousin Y's old middle school, that was too far into the city nor the sister school to the third elementary school because that was mostly surrounded by a ton of trees. This place is further out, and from the view I saw in my mind, at least one part of it is pretty open, like there's a field. But I don't know what's on the other side, and there doesn't seem to be very many things in the general area that are in immediate view. Which rules out the third elementary school, because that was also in a very populated area and surrounded by woods and businesses. I can't clearly remember what the earlier schools look like too much, outside of specific places in the buildings. I couldn't remember the name of one school at all. I had to text my mom asking for the school name and she found the name, it instantly registered and I sat there wondering how the hell I completely blocked out the school's name. It just seems so obvious now. I wanted to look at the schools on google maps but the school stuff for the one has long been torn down and it's just the church now, but I vaguely recognize parts of it. The other school apparently burned down a couple of years ago and had been abandoned for a while before that. In other words, there's barely any trace of either of them anymore. I was able to find some older images of the school that burned down and it looked familiar. I looked down the hill from the school and there's an area down there that also looks familiar but I have no idea why. Also, some of the roads and house set-ups looked familiar, like I feel like maybe Ir lived in a similar place but that doesn't make sense. I think it's just the road layout and general design, because he had a much bigger house than some of the ones I looked at, but I didn't look at very many either. There's another issue. In my mind, I can remember what the playgrounds for each of these schools looked like pretty clearly, moreso than the buildings themselves, and the playgrounds for my other elementary schools. The problem is there's a fifth playground in my mind that I can't attach to any school, and it's definitely a school playground. The burned down school feels like it's connected to it, and given it went from k-7, I wouldn't be shocked if they had more than one play area, but I also only recall being on this playground about twice and not "returning". I don't know what that's about. It was, however, a frequent location for some of my early nightmares about this place in Decatur where "bad things" were happening, despite me having so few memories of being on it. I don't know why. Usually, the "world was ending" in those dreams and there were bad people hiding out in the wooded areas nearby, waiting to capture us and I'd be walking through these abandoned houses to get away. Don't know what the fuck that was about. That school I remembered doesn't seem to be either of those two elementary schools now that I've found what information I can on them. While I can't be certain on the layout of certain parts of them, the area around these places definitely does not match and I KNOW the roads in that area would have been pretty much the same that entire time to now and I would be able to verify that. The first three elementary schools I went to were, apparently now that I've looked them up, all on the same road, but at different points. This area was in a pretty populated area, this is a major road that has been a major road since before I was born and one of at least two of these schools had longstanding histories and certain things that have always been around them. The area is more run-down, for sure, but it's pretty much like the place where I used to live. Some houses have been changed out and some businesses are different, but overall, it doesn't really look much different. It's actually a little creepy. Anyway, this school doesn't make sense to be any school I can pinpoint me doing to, or anyone in my family. I also considered if it was my dad's old high school, since he would go on about it any time we passed it but that didn't seem right. I wondered if I might be misremembering what that school looked like or if there was an area of it I'm forgetting, so I looked up that school too. It's definitely not that school. Wrong layout and wrong location. So then I started to wonder if I'm thinking of a school I didn't go to or anyone I knew went to but may have been near a place I regularly went to. So, I started looking up parks around where I used to live and further out. I know those could also change a bit over time, but I lived in an area that has a lot of "historical" things that have pretty much just gotten renovated and very little changes. The locations also make too many changes not really possible anyway. After looking up +20 parks and what was around them, it's not at a park near where I lived. I did get another memory while looking up parks though. There was a park my parents used to take me to a lot, but it didn't show up in my search either. It's not connected to that school I remembered, because the scenery is very different. I couldn't find that place either, and given that it was a small park near a shit neighborhood, it probably just got bulldozed for some businesses/houses. Last night, I also had a flood of memories from that time period. It's not like I had no recollection of them before, but I simply hadn't thought about them in so long I'd kind of forgot about them. Like that there were two moms my mom had babysit me when I was younger, and both moms left us kids alone, one mom leaving for hours and not showing back up until just before my mom got there but having no problems taking the cash to watch me. That mom's son liked playing with knives. I think she only babysat me a couple of times. The other boy was less frequent, more country, and a little more off but I'm not sure in what way. At some point me, Ir, and Storm Boy, were at this boy's birthday party and we were his only guests and we were all weirded out by that because none of us thought of this guy as a friend and when we were all in his room, I remember he said something really weird (I can't remember what) and as soon as he left the room to do something, the three of us were like WTF about it and wondering why he invited us of all people. Once I remembered that, I remembered I used to have nightmares about weird things happening in that boy's house but not what the context was. And I'd be in that bedroom and something bizarre would be going on, typically outside the window. No idea what that was about. I also remember he was one of the kids who had a creek behind his house. Ir did also, and sometimes we went down there. When my mom "babysat" (made me babysit) Ir and his little sister for cash, we spent about half the time at Ir's house with my mom raiding the fridge and watching TV in the living room and half the time at my house. We rarely played in Ir's room and played in this playroom instead, or went outside. Sometimes, we went into his basement (which you could only get to from the outside of his house) but I don't remember what was down there. Sometimes, my mom would leave me at his house for his mom to watch us but she would do like that other mom and just leave afterwards, or it would be early in the morning and she'd drop us off at school at some point and we'd play video games until then. He had a Sega and we'd mostly play Sonic. Storm Boy I met in pre-K and we had a lengthy conversation about ants the first time we met while under some trees during recess and we were so into our conversation about the complexity of their society and how they had evolved that way that the teacher had to repeatedly call us to actually come inside from recess. We were so into our conversation we didn't really hear her LOL. My other memory of him back then is us getting in trouble (for different reasons) and being told we had to stay inside during recess and sit in a dark room and we just had some other sciencey conversation and I think some comments about the teacher herself being very naive if she thought sitting in a dark room unsupervised would be an actual punishment for us. We met again in kindergarten, our parents both putting us in the second elementary school. He thought I looked familiar and was like, you, you're the one--we talked about ants! Then we laughed at how bizarre it was for us to focus on that. Ir I met in kindergarten, I'm pretty sure. We ended up as this trio, though we didn't always hang out. I also hung out with this one girl who was from India. While I was recalling all this, I remembered that time some boys (I can't remember how many or who, just at least about 3 or so boys) were beating up on her because she was a "weirdo" (foreign, not-Christian, and a vegetarian--that was too "bizarre" for them) and I saw this from the top of the jungle gym. I remember the jungle gym was red and kind of shaped like a giant dome. (I think there was also a smaller, square-like blue one.) I yelled at them to stop from up there and that I was going to beat them up if they didn't. They yelled something back at me, but I don't remember what. As I was climbing down, I was so focused on them I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I slipped from near the top straight down to the ground, face first and ended up with a mouthful of wood chips and I was coughing them up. I still got up and went over to try and beat the shit out of them. Two teachers showed up. One grabbed me and the other got the girl. They took us to the principal's office. They thoroughly questioned the girl if she had said something that made the boys attack her while they cleaned up her bloodied face. The other teacher was questioning me in the same way, what did she say. I told them she didn't do anything and all those boys needed to be expelled and if she (the teacher) hadn't got in my way, I would have beat them up. I then got a lecture about how violence is wrong, and I should have just got a teacher instead of trying to defend her myself. The teacher asked me if I was okay because I think I was bleeding a little too, somewhere on my face or in my mouth? I didn't answer her. I just kept yelling at both the teachers and the principal that they needed to do something about those boys immediately. I suggested calling the police at some point, and they told me that was too extreme. (Which for 5/6 year olds, yeah it is, LOL, but little kid me couldn't comprehend that.) They called both our parents and we were sent home for the day. As far as I can remember, the boys were not punished in any major way. I think they were given a talk about their behavior? She was bullied for the rest of the year, but no one did anything like that again. Just rudeness, name-calling, and some shoving. (It wasn't just those boys doing it.) While they were beating up on her, the rest of the students were either going "ooooh" or laughing, or standing around like "oh my gosh can you believe this is happening" but not actively doing anything. No one got a teacher. They just came over because recess had ended. I remember being very angry at everyone that day. I can recall exactly where they beat her up at on the playground. The last thing I remembered before I went to bed was something about being in pain as a child. I was in pain somewhere either around my genitals or maybe further back? Or the whole area hurt? I don't remember too well. I feel like I was bleeding, but I don't know. I told my mom I fell when she asked me why I was in pain, but I don't remember falling. I can't place where I am in this memory either. I wonder if this is connected to that memory about the doctor thoroughly examining me? Perhaps it's something really benign after all and I did just fall in a really weird way that got me injured there. I just can't remember the part before that, and no clue why describing my nightmares to my wife brought back that doctor memory if it is benign. I wasn't freaked out about the doctor, so I don't get it. I'm just going to hope it's something benign, and try not to think about the possibilities too much. If a memory comes back, I'll deal with it, but I think it would be best if I don't dwell on it too much. It may be nothing after all. It's just that there are a lot of red flags in my past that it's hard for me to completely rule out the possibility. I don't really want to think about it regardless. I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. While I was thinking about that school I remembered, I started to wonder if it was a school or just similar to a school building. I don't know. I wish I could have remembered more than that brief flash of something. I can't pinpoint what the hell made me remember it either, so it's not like I can try to bring it back again intentionally. Hell, depending on how old I was, I may never be able to remember at all. It may just be gone. I forgot to mention this in one of my other entries. In regards to sexual things and me being young, I used to also draw a lot of sexual things. Naked people. Naked people having sex, in a way that displayed I clearly knew what that looked like. Different positions. Sometimes with three people involved. I don't know why I knew what that stuff looked like, because this is before my dad playing those porn videos in front of me and I am pretty sure I wouldn't have seen anything like that in his Playboy magazines that he left everywhere. And I didn't encounter my parents sex books until I wasin 4th or 5th grade, which is around when I started looking at porn online anyway. So I have no idea why I knew that stuff. I can't place it to anything. Unless I'm mixing up the order of the porn VHS's and these other memories? I used to hide the drawings, but my mom would usually find them. So then I'd draw them out and just rip them up and throw them away so she couldn't find them.I knew they were "bad" for me to draw. Of course, there is the thing with my mom in 1994. Maybe that's why I knew some of it? But it's not like I can entirely remember that either. I don't know.