||June 5th, 2017 Monday|| Since I last updated, I've remembered a few more things. While on another walk, a vague memory about that field-looking place by that school-type building came back. Something about a fence, but not really the kind I'd expect to be at a school (though come to think of it, I can't really remember any school I went to having a fence around it anyway, but I'm sure some do). It reminded me more of a fence you'd expect around a power plant or something like that, to keep out trespassers. I'm not sure what that's connected to or why the hell I was there at wherever that was. I can't remember any further than that little flash of something. This one I forgot about despite it showing up in some of my nightmares. I didn't get around to telling these, but they basically have this same premise that I'm stuck somewhere up in the mountains with either my family or a group of people I call my family and we're going somewhere, and there's this whole feeling that everything is going to go bad, but I can't recall what it is I'm so afraid of happening in those dreams. It's just this overwhelming sense of dread. Another variant of that is one where I'm in the car with my mom and my aunt, and sometimes my grandmother and we're in the same place. We can never find the way home and my dad keeps yelling at us at a payphone. My aunt and I don't really wanna go home though. Something bad is going to happen, but I don't know what. Anyway, I remembered those dreams and then I remembered that the place in those dreams was based on a real memory. I never completely forgot about all this, more that it's been so long since I've had a dream about that place and thought about that memory, I sort of forgot about them for a while and while I was out on that same walk, the way a certain part of the hill and the exposed red clay and downed tree looked together jogged my memory. I can't place why we were at this place or where it is. That part I've definitely completely forgotten, and even as a kid, when I'd think back on this memory, I couldn't place it. It was just a big question mark, like I completely forgot the beginning and end of some event, and only remembered the part in between. Me, my dad, and my mom (I don't think my brother was there?) were at the top of this huge hill somewhere and all the trees nearby were stripped down and chopped up. The earth was completely red, as you'd expect from Georgia, except for a few patches of grass here and there near the tops of hills. I remember "playing" in this place, and I'm not sure if we were even supposed to be at this place or why we went there. I can't remember anything bad happening in this memory, but whenever I'd think back on it, something feels "wrong" about it. It's that same sense of dread, but I really have no idea what I'm dreading. The last time I thought about that was in high school when they chopped down all the trees behind the school to build a neighborhood. I remember seeing all the cut up trees and red everywhere, and I thought back to that. That night, I had a nightmare about wandering in that place again, knowing something bad was definitely going to happen, but nothing actually happened. I was so freaked out at seeing that place that morning on the bus, I actually almost threw up and had to mentally convince myself I was not there the rest of the ride and on the way home. I skipped school the next day so I didn't have to see it, and I was uncomfortable for a long while looking at it because it made me think of that memory. A memory that, as far as I can tell, where there's nothing particularly bad happening in it. I don't get it. Some other things that got jogged on that walk. Nightmares about being stuck at that hill behind my dad's old mechanic job where he'd leave me for hours. Usually, I'd be running from someone or "ghosts" would be trying to get me. When I was young, my dad often brought me to work with him because for some reason my mom couldn't be assed to watch me during this time frame or drop me off at my grandma's or my great-grandma's house. This went on only for a certain time frame, and sometimes it would be after I finished school (kindergarten, specifically) and other times it was the whole day (summer time?). I don't know where my mom was at during this. My dad would show me "neat" things around the shop at first, then get bored and tell me to leave him alone or go play outside. I'd go and play on the hill behind the shop that overlooked Atlanta. It was a pretty high up hill to leave a kid unsupervised at, TBH. (Though given the types of people that shop hired, I would say it was wrong for him to leave my unsupervised there period. One guy used to come into work drunk, and plenty of the staff was very shady, to put it nicely.) I'd pick blackberries when they were in season at the part of the hill right before it had this steep drop-off. I strongly associate blackberries with this place, so I'm guessing this happening primarily during when those would be in season. That was typically the only food I got while there. Yeah, regardless of whether I was there for an hour or two, or the whole day, my dad never fed me while I was there. Another A+ stellar parenting point. Sometimes, I'd play horseshoes by myself out of boredom until the old guys came back there and decided they were playing and told me to get the hell out of there as rudely as possible. Mostly, I'd sit and look down at the city, waiting to go home. I hated being there with all those strange guys who were all asses to me, so I'm not really surprised I'd have dreams that were unpleasant about it. Don't know what the whole being chased by someone thing is about though. This is another nightmare that I can't explain. It's really early in the morning and I've been left to wander down an empty interstate through some backwoods area. Tall pines are all around me. In the dreams, I have this feeling that the world has ended and I'm left behind. I'm walking towards somewhere, but I don't know where. There are people lurking in the woods, people trying to lure me into the woods. I know something bad will happen if I go in there, but I don't know what. I keep trying to walk down that interstate, but I know I can't reach wherever I'm going without a car. Walking down an interstate still crops up in my dreams sometimes. What a weird image. Don't know what that's about either. This one's...odd. Not sure if I'd call it a nightmare or not. I'm dressed in some old timey clothes, looking like Huck Finn or something, and I'm living on this small farm that has a little pond in the backyard and a lot of woods in the distance. I get up really early in the morning and grab my fishing pole to go fishing, but something's off. No one else lives in the house, but I'm clearly still a child in the dream. There's a road not too far from the house, but no one's ever on it, and I can't see anyone no matter where I go down the road. There's no animals on the farm. They've all disappeared. There's nothing in the pond. I'm alone in an empty world surrounded by nothing but pines. Some other odd things. Recently, I decided to try a different brand of tea so I got a sample pack. I tried the chocolate pu'er first, and while I thought the taste was alright, I ended up feeling really uncomfortable while drinking it. I couldn't pinpoint if it was the combination of the tea+chocolate+other things they mixed in or if it was one particular ingredient bothering me, but it smelled so much like some other time, some time from when I was a kid. It reminded me a lot of some kind of incense and being in these various New Age-y shops, Mr. M's place, and my parents having all these things around the house. Incense doesn't normally bother me, but something about this tea blend reminded me of some particular incense-y smell and I don't know why that brought back all that. There's nothing particularly bad in those memories either, just my parents being dumb about ~spiritual~ things and thinking they're super ~cool~. But you know, I don't know if it's just the tea or something's different from before. I've been getting a lot of things coming back to me being set off by little things that wouldn't have normally jogged my memories. What's that about? Is there something else different I'm not picking up on? I don't know. I've decided to get more of that tea, just to see what my reactions will be, and I have no intentions of being put off by some tea. That's ridiculous. I plan on drinking it every so often until I'm not bothered by the scent anymore. I had another nightmare recently.. Early that morning, when it was still before sunrise, a severe thunderstorm rolled on through. And I mean severe. Lighting constant. The whole sky was lighting up every few seconds and the thunder was crazy. Anyway, that woke me up. I checked the local alerts then went back to sleep. I should have just stayed up. I went back to sleep, but in the dream, I was in the same place watching the storm from the window in darkness, the lightning lighting up the room constantly. Suddenly, I heard a crack and my whole body was in pain, like there was this strange shock through all of me and then I felt like I was on fire. I "woke up" and looked down at myself, who I saw was still "dreaming". The me "dreaming" was shouting, "Dad, stop! Stop it!" and that me's hands were in a position that looked like someone was holding me down. I was disturbed by my own words and suddenly "woke up" again and my body was still burning. I looked over at the window and a piece of the big wooden blinds we have was broken off, somewhere down near the bottom of the window. But only that one piece and it was completely gone. All the other pieces were fine, and for some reason this made me think that lightning struck me in the dream. Yeah, I don't get it. Anyway, now I could see out the window, only a little, but it was all mostly just darkness then bright flashes of light too bright to actually make anything out. I was afraid though that I was going to see something out there, or rather, someone. I don't know who I was afraid of seeing. But I had this feeling that someone was out there in that darkness and the lightning would reveal them if I looked long enough. This is really weird since my bedroom and that window are on the second floor, so it would be impossible from someone to be standing outside and be visible from that angle. Dream logic I guess. I summoned up the boy, but I use that phrasing only to reference him as that's how I usually refer to that other half of me. He was definitely my age when I summoned him, but I was having difficulty keeping him there. He was made of bits of white mist and fading most of the time, and I was only able to make him completely "there" briefly. He saw that I was freaked out and said something to me that I can't remember now. I asked him to have sex with me for some reason. I seemed to think in the dream it would somehow make my fear and the burning pain in my body go away, but I don't know why that makes any sense. Maybe as a distraction from what I was feeling? As I've mentioned before in that other post about nightmares, the boy and I are the same person. I came to realize that the view I saw earlier of sleeping me was from "his" perspective. The whole time my wife was sleeping beside me, but I was afraid of waking her up for some reason. He agreed to have sex with me, and the longer that went on, the harder it was for me to keep him there. He eventually faded completely and then I "woke up" again. This time I was a little kid with my parents. My dad was talking about the thunderstorm and how he's so cool because he got struck by lightning twice as a kid (this is true, he did get struck by lightning twice, and I have had relatives who were there verify he's not bullshitting that). Our "house" got struck by lightning in the dream, which was basically a giant tree house and a big plank of wood was missing. We went to this other wooden place, and my brother, who was toddler-aged, wanted to buy everything. He was screaming and throwing himself on the ground crying about every thing. (So, pretty accurate for his toddler years.) My parents kept buying him what he wanted. I asked for some cereal at some point because in the dream apparently I never ate breakfast. My parents both yelled at me and the way they stared at me gave me this feeling that they thought of me more as a servant than as their child. I can't explain why I felt like that, but that was the overwhelming feeling inside me. This "how dare you act like you're our child, you're the servant, know your place". Eventually, they dropped me off at school and the school seemed to be a mix of all the elementary schools I went to. I didn't know any of the kids there at all. They were all strangers to me. I was completely lost and then I was watching myself. Suddenly, I was an adult again, walking out of a classroom which I can only assume was mine to run in the dream. I was wearing some dress clothes, so I assume I was the teacher. (Cause there's no way in hell I'd normally be wearing a button down shirt and a tie.) I had glasses on in the dream, which yeah, I actually am supposed to be wearing glasses in reality but I keep slacking on getting new ones. The adult me in the dream saw the little child me and decided to follow little me. Little me was running around with some kids after school a ways from the playground. I followed them because they were starting to leave the school property. The other kids kind of disappeared from my view and I only saw little me running into this big field of tall grass. I yelled at little me to come back, that's not part of the school, and it's dangerous in there. Little me didn't listen at all, and I couldn't see little me anymore. I ran to get in the tall grass and it suddenly grew so high I couldn't see anything. I kept yelling at little me to come back, because there's snakes and spiders in there that could poison little me, and the grass is so tall, anybody could be hiding in there. Little me wasn't responding, and adult me was starting to get lost. Adult me started to fear that someone really was lurking in there and would get me too if I went in too far. The grass started to grow even taller and all I could see was the color of it all around me and the wild flowers blooming above me. I couldn't get back out, and I was caught between wanting to stay put and find a way out, or go deeper and find little me. I was too afraid to move, for fear of what was lurking hidden out there, but I needed to save little me. I stayed stuck in place. That was the end of the dream. Since I started working on this post, I remembered something else. Another brief flash of something. I was taking some photos of trees and other plants at the top of a hill and suddenly the view made me think of some other place. Looking down from the top of some hill. I don't know where this hill was though, but something felt "bad" about it. I took a photo of that view so I could look back on it later and see if it jogged anything else. The place in my mind was a bit more brown than green, so I decided to mess with the colors a bit and see what happened. The image in my head didn't get any clearer, but the emotion tied to it became stronger. I actually had a fear response. I forced myself to wait out the fear and let it pass, but when I look back on that view, I still keep thinking about this other place. I haven't figured out where this is yet, or why I have some negative attachment to it. As for the hill, it's not the one behind that old mechanic shop. The place at the bottom is woods, like at the place I took the photo at. I don't have any ideas about where it is, but I think the memory is in fall. That actually reminds me of something else. When I was really little, and my grandfather would take me out to cousin A's house a lot cause he went fishing with her dad on the lake there, we'd pass a lot of trees on the way there and somewhat big hills and drop-offs. I can't remember where they lived exactly, just that it was a really backwoods area. There was a small subdivision on the other side of the big lake and a dairy farm, and then nothing but trees until you got into the little town by it. We went out to the town a couple of times, mostly around Christmas time. Anyway, sometimes my grandfather and my grandmother would come, sometimes it was my grandfather and my mom, and sometimes it was my grandfather and brother, but my grandfather was always there. Most of the time, it was only the two of us that went. We'd drive out for at least an hour to get to her house and we'd pass nothing but stretched of trees for miles and miles once we got out of the Atlanta/Decatur area. Sometimes, I would stare out into the woods, especially places that dropped off a ways off the road and I would suddenly become afraid. He would notice I was upset and ask if I saw something in the woods. I'd say I felt like someone was always watching me from the trees, monsters. He'd tell me it's probably just fairies playing tricks on me, and I'd say, no, they're not fairies. Then I'd tell him about these nightmares I kept having about goblins and demons hiding out in the woods, trying to catch me and drag me out into the woods. I don't actually remember the dreams I was telling him about, just that I told him those details. I pretty much brought this up most of the times we went alone. I never mentioned the "monsters in the woods" nightmares if my mom, grandma, or brother were present. I only told him that, like it was a secret. I remember this pretty strongly around age 5-7-ish, but again, I have no recollection of the dreams themselves, or why I was so adamant that no one knew I had these nightmares but him. Sometimes, when we were going out there and I'd be staring out the window at these places, afraid, he'd just say, "There aren't any goblins out there. They can't get you in here." or "The goblins can't get you. The good fairies will keep them away. They protect all the good children." He didn't believe in fairies or anything, but I guess he thought that would make little kid me feel safer. I would get scared on other trips to locations like that, but since I went out to cousin A's house pretty frequently, that was the area where it happened most. But I already had this fear before I'd ever been out that way, and the nightmares were clearly already happening. I feel like when I first told him about that, the nightmares hadn't been going on that long yet. But I really, really didn't want anyone knowing about these dreams. Actually, a lot of my nightmares I kept secret from adults even though I told them many of my other dreams. This may have been the only recurring nightmare I told anyone about as a child, unless I'm misremembering something. I'm not sure what this recurring theme of there being something lurking in the woods is about, but it stretches across several different recurring nightmares, and I was obviously afraid of this as a child, though I gave a supernatural attachment to it. I wonder what I was disguising from myself. I didn't even really believe in goblins or fairies at the time, though I would pretend I did for adults to amuse them. So I couldn't have really been afraid thinking goblins were actually out there. I had this fear hit me again really badly on a family vacation up in the mountains in North Carolina when we went on this nature trail in some woods leading up to a waterfall. My grandfather had to tell me again there weren't any monsters out there, but I never actually told him I was thinking about that. He just assumed. I was 8, I think. But back to the secrets thing, at some point he mentioned to some of my other family members about the whole monsters in the woods thing, and I outright denied having the dreams or being afraid of something hiding in the woods! At the time, I was embarrassed and afraid. The embarrassment wasn't about the dreams or believing in things like goblins and demons. It was something else, but I can't explain the reaction. As for cousin A's place, I'd be fine when I got to cousin A's house, but the ride there and back always terrified me. I feel like the ride there terrified me more than the ride back, and I think the time of day had something to do with it. At night, I was less afraid of something "getting me". I've been making a lot of negative posts lately. At some point, I'll get around to a post mentioning some positive things from recently. It's just making sure I write all these things down takes priority because I don't want to forget something again, and writing things out sometimes makes me notice things I didn't while just thinking about them. ETA: It just dawned on me right after posting this I may have been lying to my grandfather about the contents of my nightmares and using "goblins and demons" to represent something I didn't want to mention. I didn't believe in those at the time, but I always pretended I did for adults because they usually gave me positive attention for it, and I was definitely afraid of something, something I was already not wanting to tell people about. And I cannot remember anything about these dreams I mentioned to him. I don't think I was making up having nightmares, as I've clearly been having nightmares for a long time and that kind of dream would fit well with ones I was already having then, but I don't know what I was actually afraid of. Something in the woods. That's as far as I can get out of that.