||November 17th, 2016 Thursday|| I tried listening to some folk music. Most of what I listened to was fine as background music, but not something I'd seek out for repeat listening. I did buy a few songs from naked woods. I've been using one of them to work on a new chapter for one of my stories to put my mind in a certain mood. I'll probably try giving some more artists/groups a listen to through Bandcamp again. Why is it so difficult to find any music I like and want to keep? Like I said, I didn't dislike most of the other people I listened to yesterday, but it was more "these are pleasant melodies" than "I like this". The last few days, I've been thinking over the sorts of characters I tend to write. The entrapped, isolated person interacting with someone from outside their prison-like living conditions is a common one. It's strange, but it's taken me until now to realize that's clearly a reflection of my earlier life. It's so obvious. Of course that's me. I don't know why I didn't put two and two together since so many of my favorite characters in movies as a child were people trapped in situations and I knew I liked them because I was also trapped. I've spent a lot of my life in isolation, watching other people silently from afar. I've been thinking about that a lot as I've been writing, and allowing myself to let the story go darker than I planned, which is where I really wanted it to go in the first place. I have a bad habit of wanting to censor as it will how dark some of my stories get. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'd already been thinking about that issue too with the longer story as it's going into some very dark places in regards to mental states of the characters, and I'd been stuck between wanting to tone it down or go to where I really want to with it. If I'm writing to understand myself, why am I censoring myself? I should let it be whatever it will be. That is the truth I'm looking for. I wonder if this means there is a part of me that is afraid of what's hiding deep inside. In regards to that character who cannot speak that spurred these thoughts in me recently, I've come to realize the reason it's been weighing so heavily in my mind is I know once that story is complete, I will have written the most painful part of myself and a part of me is dreading looking into that darkness. That will be a slow build and the worst of it not until near the end, but I know I'm going to finish this story and I'll reach that point eventually. I wonder if there will come a day when there are no stories in my mind. Will my mind be at peace then? Sometimes, I think about my mental state in terms of tarot cards, since they have so much readily available symbolism. I've had more Towers than I'd like in my life, and few Stars. Right now, I am the Moon and I don't see that changing for a while.